Broken Open
by Chance13
Summary: The month leading up to James & Lily's death and Sirius' arrest. Peter's PoV. Rated T for mention of torture, death and betrayal.


**AN: This idea came to me in Physics. Quite random I know. Well it's been bouncing around my head for 3 days now, I'm not going to be able to write anything else until I get this out, so here it is. I never really thought Wormtail was evil or anything - he got sorted into Gryffindor for crying out loud, and he was friends with them for years- I think he was just scared. So this is the month leading up Lily & James' death & Sirius' arrest. Most dates are accurate, but Sirius was arrested on the 31****st****, same day they died, and Snape heard the prophecy about a year before that, but that didn't really fit in with the story. Huge thanks to my beta Bicky Monster **

**Disclaimer- Yeah, I **_**obviously**_** own the HP series (please note the sarcasm).**

28th September 1981

I don't know how it happened. That's not true. I know how it happened, I just don't know why.

Prongs, Padfoot and Moony were all out on a mission from the Order and Lily was looking after Harry. I went out to the pub- I really couldn't stand another minute in that house; Harry's teething and spent the whole time screaming the house down.

Anyway I was at the bar and this guy came up to me. I vaguely recognised him from school; a few years above us, in Slytherin. I think his name was Dolohov. He said he needed to talk to me. To tell you the truth I was a bit creeped out by him- he knew who I was, all about me and the Marauders and Lily. He even knew that I was in the Order. He said there were some people who wanted to meet with me. They're going to meet me tomorrow. I don't want to meet them. I think they're Death Eaters. I'm scared. I don't know what to do.

29th September 1981

I met them today. I was right; they are Death Eaters. They want me to join them, they want me to be a spy. They'll kill me if I say no. I don't know who to go to. The other Marauders are still away. I can't go to Lily; she's too busy with Harry.

They're going to come again tomorrow. They don't want me to have time to tell people, to get help, to stop them.

I'm already in too deep. I need help.

30th September 1981

They came to my house today. I've got nowhere to hide. There's nowhere safe. They took me away. There were five of them- I couldn't fight them off. We apparated away to a house, I don't know where. I don't even know if it was still in England. It was huge and dark and miles away from anywhere. He was there.

He was terrifying, all pale and snake like. I had to kneel on the floor. I had to kneel to _Him_. They put spells on me- I couldn't speak, I couldn't even move. They took my arm. It makes me feel sick just to think about it. I haven't looked at my arm yet. It'll make it too real. If I don't look then maybe I can pretend it was just a dream. I still know it's there though. I can feel it burning away at my arm. It's like there's a thread connecting me to Him.

They burnt it into my arm. It hurt so much, and I couldn't move a muscle. I wanted to scream but couldn't open my mouth. I thought I was going to die, and have that scream trapped inside me forever. I passed out and when I woke up I was at home.

I don't feel safe here anymore. They've been here twice. They've been in my home. I want to leave, to run away and never come back. But I've got nowhere to go. And no matter how far I run, how hard I hide they'll always find me. They'll always drag me back.

They're making me be a spy. They want me to spy on my friends. I don't want to. Moony, Prongs and Padfoot have been my best friends since I was 11. They stuck up for me when everyone else tried to pick on me. They helped me pass all my exams- I know I would've done nowhere near as well without them. We did everything together. They stuck by me and I by them, no matter what. And now the Death Eaters want me to spy on them. I don't want to. I can't. I won't. But I have to. If I don't they'll kill me. I don't want to die.

Lily came over today. She had news from James. Apparently they've been talking to Dumbledore. They want Harry to be safer. They're going into hiding. They're still going to be in the Order, go on missions and everything but they're putting a Fidelius Charm on their house. They want me to be their Secret Keeper. I tired to talk her out of it. Told her to choose Rem or Pads. She says they need someone they can trust. They've heard rumours that there's a spy in the order and there's no-one else they can trust.

I wanted to tell her, I really did. I wanted to explain everything, how I didn't want it, how they forced me into it. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't stand the look on her face, if I told her I'd betrayed them. I chickened out. I knew I was sorted into the wrong house.

1st October 1981

They haven't come today. I've been on edge all day, waiting to see if they appear, apparating right into my back yard. I don't know how long I can take living like this.

I looked at my arm today. There's a Dark Mark there. It's all black and menacing, the snake curling around the skull. Never in a million years, in my worst nightmares, did I ever think it would be there. I hope I never get Called. It's meant to burn. It still hurts from two days ago, I don't know how I'll act if it gets any worse.

I just thought; what if they find out I'm Lily and James' Secret Keeper. They'll make me tell them where they live. And I don't know if I won't.

3rd October 1981

Snape's a Death Eater. Who would've thought annoying little Snivellus would ever do it? He overheard a prophecy in the Hog's Head. He told the other Death Eaters about it. Look at that, the _other_ Death Eaters; I guess I'm one of them. Well I didn't find out what it was- I thought that maybe I could be a spy for the Order or something. That idea didn't last long; it's pretty obvious that they don't trust me, will never trust me, enough to let me over hear so much as how they take their coffee, never mind anything important. Basically the long and short of it is that they want to kill Harry. Seems a bit stupid, full grown adults plotting to kill a one year old child. Lily and James will die to protect him. I can't loose my friends. I'm nothing without them.

I tried to protect them. I told them I didn't know where they lived because of the Charm – they already knew about that, but not who the Secret Keeper is, thank Godric. I don't know how long it will be until they find out it's me.

I scared all the time now. I'm always looking over my shoulder. I'm getting paranoid. I've put loads of charms and jinxes just on this diary. If anyone finds it- from the Order or the Death Eaters –they'll kill me for sure. Or at the very least send me to Azkaban. I won't be able to cope with Dementors, there are too many things I'm scared of- I couldn't even deal with Boggarts – and I don't want to loose all my happy memories. There'll be nothing of me left.

30th October 1981

I thought they'd forgotten about me. Things were going back to normal. I was starting to relax. I was able to hangout with my friends, have fun and have a laugh. Then today they turned up today. They found out I'm the Secret Keeper. They tortured me. I don't know how long it went on for.

I broke. I told them where they live.

The Marauders wanted me to come out with them. They, Lily, Harry and some of the others from the Order were meeting up. I didn't go. I couldn't look any of them in the eye. I don't think I'll ever be able to again.

I tried to tell them what I did, but the words stuck in my throat. Lily and James are going to die. I want to say there's nothing I can do, but there is. I could save them. But if I do I'll die.

31st October 1981

I went to tell them today. To tell them to find somewhere else to hide. I was going to come clean.

I got to their house. It was blown apart, the whole top floor. The Dark Mark was above their house. I was too late.

Lily and James are dead, and it's all my fault.

1st November 1981

Today I went into hiding. I'm never going to be able to talk to my friends again.

I reckoned I had nothing left to loose. I think I was wrong. I set it all up. Sirius found out that I betrayed them all. He cornered me in a street corner. I shouted, loads of people started to gather round. I said he betrayed them. I blasted the street apart. I think I killed some of the Muggles. I cut off my finger- after the Mark that was nothing- and transformed into a rat. I ran into the sewers, with the rest of the vermin. I'm where I belong.

Padfoot got taken in by the Aurors. Moony will never look at me again, never mind call me a friend. Prongs and Evans are dead. I've lost everything.

I wish I had been braver.

I wish I deserved to be in Gryffindor.

I wish I'd talked someone when I still could.

I wish I'd never gone into that pub.

I could've stayed with Lily and listened to Harry cry. I would be in Godric's Hollow right now with them and the other Marauders, laughing at one of Pad's ridiculously jokes. Prongs would be laughing his head off, Moony would be sitting blushing, Evans would be trying to look stern but hiding her smile, Harry would be giggling just because everyone else is so happy. I would be with my family.

Instead I'm hiding in an alleyway, finishing this off. I'll take off all the spells. I'll leave it at Godric's Hollow. Then maybe someone will find it. Maybe someone will understand. I didn't want to do it. I never wanted to do it. They were the best friends I ever had. They were my family and I betrayed them.

If you're reading this now then just remember this; always hold onto what you've got. Don't let anyone take your family away from you. They are the most important thing in the world. Cherish them, you never know how long you'll have them for.


End file.
